So the other day I solicited some advice from you helpful mamas out there and said I'd tell you why I asked later. It seemed like a big damn deal at the time, but not so much now. The issue that particular night was that Husband tried to put Bean in a time out in the corner of the family room for throwing food from her high chair. It's something we're trying with mixed success to make her understand is a no-no lately. Husband warned her that she would go in time out if she did it again, she did, and he pulled her up screaming from her high chair to go enforce it. She's 16-months old so naturally she wouldn't stay put and I don't feel like it's quite time for this particular tactic to work with her. I'm willing to go along with it if Husband wants to give it a shot though. After all, it will eventually start to work.
Anyways. On this particular night, what also happened is that Husband got extremely pissed off at me for trying to fix Bean's sliding off diaper while she was supposed to be in time out. Having actually had her poop on the floor while her diaper was off for a mere 20 seconds once, I do tend to hustle if I see diaper slippage. I in no way meant it as undermining Husband's authority, which is how he took it that night. So I received a ridiculous lecture in which it was hard for me not to respond with, "What the fuck are you talking about?" But I let myself be lectured and just tried to cool off on my own when he took the girls up for a bath shortly afterwards.
Husband and I are having a hard time communicating lately, though, and to me that is a big deal. He has this way of talking to me that makes me feel like either a complete moron or like an out-of-control emotional freak. I am neither of those things. I've tried explaining that he makes me feel stupid when he's talking to me in a particular way, but he brushes it off completely, just denying that that could possibly be true. Fine. But I suspect that I'll continue to feel this way until I go back to work at some point and don't feel quite like the unappreciated domestic drudge I currently do a lot of the time. Nothing like a "reminder" about how to wash his running clothes made of "special moisture-wicking" fabric from Husband to make me wonder why I ever signed on for this SAHM gig. I swear, I hear shit like this far more than I ever did when I was working a paid job.
The other mode is harder. I do tend to get emotional when I'm angry or upset. 'Cause those are...you know, emotions, right? I have a quick temper and was raised in a household where it was normal to express your emotions if you were feeling them. Having an angry expression on your face means you must be mad. Talking more loudly than usual means you're feeling strongly about something or you're trying to be heard because someone's talking over you. These things don't mean you're about to throw something or lash out physically in some way. In short, arguments are o.k. and are a sometimes necessary means of clearing the air. They don't mean that a divorce is imminent or that someone's about to be punched.
I dunno. Sometimes I wonder how long I'll be able to stand feeling this demoralized. Sometimes I feel like all I need to do is get a few nights in a row of good sleep. Sometimes I think counselling would help. Sometimes I'm just dying to be totally alone for a day or so. Some days it seems like I'll rip my hair out and go screaming down the street if someone says one more rude, ungrateful thing to me. Some days I think my life couldn't possibly be any sweeter. Lately I wonder if it's really such a good idea to have one more baby and put off being in the emotional clear for that many more years. But I also long to be pregnant and nursing just once more and to give Bean a sibling that doesn't leave for half the week.
I got divorced once and was raised by a woman who was married 3 times before she finally got it right, so I'm no expert when it comes to knowing what's normal in marriage. I do want to stay married this time, though. I know that much.