Friday, May 12, 2006

The dark side of being a mother

As should be pretty clear now after a whole week's worth of grousing here, things have been kind of rough for me lately. I've been having fantasies for the past few days of starting a secret blog that would contain only posts about my worst moments, my darkest thoughts, the stuff I don't REALLY want regular readers of this blog to know about. Things like how the dog's shrill and frequent barking during the course of my day make me so pissed off I want to boot his little 10-pound body across the kitchen. Or the shitty things that come out of my mouth sometimes when Sister is talking to me about her father or her grandma. Or how absolutely enraged I get when Sister is jerking my chain deliberately and the baby's screaming at me and I'm so damned sleep-deprived. About how I sometimes lose it and yell. Or how sometimes when I can't figure out how to help Bean stop crying I'll just give up and let her sit there and cry and make myself a cup of tea and not look at her.

Motherhood can get ugly. I can get ugly, but I seldom talk about how really bad it can get, and most of the rest of you mamas out there don't either, I don't think. I, for one, am not that brave. The rest of you are either the same way or not nearly as bad-tempered as me. That's what's different to me about blogging and journalling, I guess. I don't know most of you out there, but I've come to care what you think of me anyway. Besides, there's something a bit scary to me about keeping a sort of alter ego/evil twin blog. If I regularly indulge and express all that dark stuff, would it become more valid or stronger? Maybe. So I probably won't do it.

Or if I did, I wouldn't let any of YOU know.

13 comments:

Nikkie said...

Sometimes its good to let out all the strong bad emotions that get pent up over the weeks that you really can't express to anyone out of fear the child and family services coming to your door, or having them think you're a total psycho.

There are days that I've had where Boo wouldn't stop crying, the cats where getting on my last nerve, the phone wouldn't stop ringing, and the sight of my husbandish made my blood boil and all I wanted to do was scream out a big loud "bleep you".

I wouldn't think any less of you for expressing it. Everyone needs to from time to time.

Mama D said...

I try to be honest about how ugly things can get around here. That's really why I started blogging in the first place. Because I thought I was the only one who actually considered giving their baby up for adoption in the first week of her birth because I didn't think I could handle it. Or the times, like you when I let Audrey cry and cry in her crib and yelled at her from bed to "Just shut up!" already.

I don't think that you are any more ugly than the rest of us. I know that I would absolutely not judge you for saying anything. No matter how dark it may be. And I think that anyone who would dare judge you is kidding themselves.

I say don't worry about what we think, just say what you need to say and those of us who really care will understand. Those of us who don't. Well, they can just go away and read about mom's who never get mad, never yell and would never dream of throwing a dog out a window.

Dawn said...

I likened my child to Mengele. I've admitted that I plotted to drop her from a hotel balcony in Montreal.

For real.

I found that when I didn't say these things, they got stronger. Darker. One sleep deprived night I screamed that if I didn't get some fucking sleep, I was shooting everyone in the house starting with Terrance.

I say them now..and can smile. Even laugh. But I wonder if I had said them out loud to someone who understood - another Mom, if I'd have gone for so long and gotten so bad.

mothergoosemouse said...

Sugarmama, I do understand. The dark side is there, for all of us.

I have kicked the cat. I have yelled at my girls. I have wanted more than anything to just up and leave. It's painful to admit those dark moments happened, but Dawn's right - if you don't talk about it, it grows beyond what you can handle.

Come visit - I wrote nice things about you. Happy Mother's Day.

VenturaMom said...

I have never met a mama who didn't have those ugly moments. I sure do. It's all normal. Not very fun, but very normal.

PS - Last week The Girl was really pushing my buttons, so I yanked her hair. It felt good.

Eileen said...

I have no children- but for what it is worth I would recommend regular infusions of martinis. May not help- won't hurt.

Piece of Work said...

Oh Lord. The things I have said in anger to my children. The things I have said in resentment to my husband. the ugly, little way I have behaved, repeatedly, because I just want some FUCKING SPACE ALREADY.

You are not alone.

Amber said...

Um, yeah. Ditto your post.

First- we've all been there. Those that say they haven't are either a. lying or b. saints.

Second- I've found that having an 'alter ego' of sorts on the internet isn't a good idea. Someone might find it, and know it's you and then pass around the site and the password to all the people you vented about/made fun of (embarassed face) and then they'll all hate you forever. Um, yeah, just sayin.

etobce said...

You're not the only one.
just listen:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5401172

Lauren said...

Sugarmama,

I can relate, too. I have kicked the cat, as well. Not just once. (I really hate the damn cat, sometimes, just for existing, and not pulling his weight, which is considerable). I have told my kids to shut up. And I scream.

cubmommy said...

You are not alone. I have had dark thoughts and I have said things that were meean. Sometimes I just want to walk out the door and not come back. Being a mother is really hard. I know I am not perfect and I fret over whether I am screwing up my kids. I think most of us go through this but don't say anything because we are afarid to be judged.

You are not a bad mom.

Mommygoth said...

What they said. All of them. I have stood in my living room with Miss K screaming as she climbs my pant legs and not picked her up, because I just. couldn't. do it any longer. I have yelled at her. And it makes you want to claw your skin off afterwards, but no one is more than human, and this is the hardest job there is. You're a good momma, slime. A really good momma.

Suzanne said...

I know I'm a little late, but I just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not the only one who harbors some really dark thoughts about parenting. From reading the comments, I see that we're in good company! This is the toughest gig going, and I think it's healthy to acknowledge that.