As should be pretty clear now after a whole week's worth of grousing here, things have been kind of rough for me lately. I've been having fantasies for the past few days of starting a secret blog that would contain only posts about my worst moments, my darkest thoughts, the stuff I don't REALLY want regular readers of this blog to know about. Things like how the dog's shrill and frequent barking during the course of my day make me so pissed off I want to boot his little 10-pound body across the kitchen. Or the shitty things that come out of my mouth sometimes when Sister is talking to me about her father or her grandma. Or how absolutely enraged I get when Sister is jerking my chain deliberately and the baby's screaming at me and I'm so damned sleep-deprived. About how I sometimes lose it and yell. Or how sometimes when I can't figure out how to help Bean stop crying I'll just give up and let her sit there and cry and make myself a cup of tea and not look at her.
Motherhood can get ugly. I can get ugly, but I seldom talk about how really bad it can get, and most of the rest of you mamas out there don't either, I don't think. I, for one, am not that brave. The rest of you are either the same way or not nearly as bad-tempered as me. That's what's different to me about blogging and journalling, I guess. I don't know most of you out there, but I've come to care what you think of me anyway. Besides, there's something a bit scary to me about keeping a sort of alter ego/evil twin blog. If I regularly indulge and express all that dark stuff, would it become more valid or stronger? Maybe. So I probably won't do it.
Or if I did, I wouldn't let any of YOU know.