Sunday, January 01, 2006

Cleaning out the gunk

The holidays are officially over for us now at the Sugarmama ranch. Our New Year's Day party is over and done with. We don't even have any left-over black-eyed peas and greens! I feel ready to move back into normal life again--getting up with Sister to get her to school, grocery shopping trips that don't include 10 pounds of sugar and 4 extra pounds of European-style butter, and normal spending habits all 'round. Cheers!

Unlike a lot of bloggers out there, I don't have a huge list of resolutions to post about. I gave up some time ago on using this time of year as an excuse for any sort of real effort at changing my life. And actually, as I mentioned in my post last night, I don't currently WANT to change much about my life. The single thing I'm resolving to do this year is to once and for all find a therapist to help me work through all the rancor I still feel towards my Ex and his mother. I feel like I have no perspective on whether the degree of bitterness I feel towards them is normal, but even if it WERE normal I just don't like having it sort of festering there in me, coloring my interactions with Sister sometimes, and keeping me from sleeping during weeks when the Ex is really jerking my chain. I'd really like to get rid of this, and since it's been 6-1/2 years since the Ex and I were even together it's pretty clear to me that it's not going to go away on its own. On the one hand, I love Sister fiercely, more than anyone on the planet except her little sister, and some part of me reasons that it's natural to be so jealous of someone I love that much. But on the other hand, I don't think anyone quite knows the dark extent that these emotions run to. I sometimes envision it as a big, nasty, glob of black gunk clogging me up. I can't take it anymore, y'all! Must....eliminate...nasty black...emotional gunk! (Wish me luck!)

10 comments:

Laura said...

Once again, I know exactly what you mean. I love my first boy sooo much, and yet, when I hear his father in his voice or see him in his face, part of me cringes. I HATE that. But I think it's natural--just as sometimes I see unlikable traits in myself that were passed down from parents. Sometimes I feel so angry at my ex because he "poisoned" me with these awful feelings I never wanted to have. I'm a loving, peaceful person--how could there be someone I hate? I try very hard not to hate, but sometimes it seeps through. I hope you can find someone to help you--I know that you won't ever feel better unless you can let go of his power to upset you.

Moonface said...

That must be so hard. And with him being Sister's dad, you cant exactly just cut him out of your life. I hope you manage to make peace.

Nancy said...

Out, out black emotional gunk! I'm with Moonface -- I wish you peace in your feelings about and relationship with your Ex.

cubmommy said...

I also wish you peace this year. I know it must be hard to deal with the ex.

My mom and dad hated each other even when my dad died there was animosity. They had been divorced 15 years.

You have to do what you feel will help you through this.

Queen Beth said...

I understand from another perspective and maybe this will help you. I AM the second wife with the 1st wife so bitter and hateful towards my husband and me. I met my husband 2 years after their divorce. She can't let go and hasn't for 14 years. Sometimes I drown under the weight of her hatred and resentment, other times I have to ignore it. Bitterness has a way of spreading whether you want to or not. Her bitterness has spread to their child and he has issues toward his father he really doesn't own, his mother gave them to him.

So the fact that you are noticing your bitterness and are wanting to rid yourself of it...I say bravo. It's a hard road to walk down. Forgiveness is key, but extremely hard to acheive. Good luck to you as you embark on your journey to peace.

Sugarmama said...

Wow, thanks for all the support, y'all! I appreciate the perspectives of both those in similar situations and those who've lived through it on the other side. This is all very helpful to hear.

theyellowwallpaper said...

Good luck Sugar Mama, I hope you are able to find a way to reconcile your feelings with your Ex. I can't even begin to imagine.

Yeah, I too don't have much in terms of resolutions. So far the only one I've come up with is that my hubby and I need to hire a sitter regularly so that we have time together.

Erin said...

Clearing out the gunk would be so benificial to all of you. I hope you can find someone to help. I know of some great ones here in Ohio, but I don't suspect that'll help, huh?

Happy New Year, and here's t making your resolution a reality!!

RGLHM said...

I am so proud of you!! It takes such strength of character to realize something needs to change in our life and then want to do something about it. Your efforts will pay off, I am sure of it. GOOD LUCK!!!

Mommygoth said...

Oh, sweet girl. I can't tell you how sorry I am that any of this ugliness still touches your life. Sister is a joy, and without stupid dorkhead you wouldn't have her - but other than that there's no excuse for his existence. Oh, herm, wait, I'm not actually HELPING with the rancor so much as I am feeding it, am I? I think your level of rancor is quite normal, and maybe even under better control than a lot of folks.