Wednesday, November 09, 2005

My Ex sux!

Man, are my nerves ever jangling this morning. I've got no chance of a nap in this state, that's for sure. Any of you out there have an ex-husband with whom you have to negotiate a young'un's schedule? I've got a doozy, and he's really been jerking my chain for the last 48 hours.

I married the man who would turn out to be Sister's father 9 years ago while I was still young and dumb and in my bohemian princess phase. After leaving him I found out that ALL MY FRIENDS plus my mother thought it would never work, could see the end coming even before the beginning had happened yet. Wanna know something funny? We had an outdoor wedding at his parents' place in the country. There were buzzards circling during the whole ceremony. I kid you not.

Anyhow, no surprise to anyone (except me) that this marriage lasted not quite 2 years. What I'd thought was garden-variety eccentricity and an artistic temperament was in fact actual brain damage from a car wreck several years previously that rendered my chosen quite incapable of holding down a regular job, doing any household task other than the dishes if I asked him to, and even remembering what it was we'd fought about and agreed to change in any given week previously. Oy vey. The man is sweet, but I pity the woman who fools herself about him next time. My friends are very kind not to remind me what a moron I was.

But he is Sister's father. With whom I have a legal custody agreement. It's not something I'm perfectly happy with, but on the other hand it's been working for the last 5 years. Now that I'm a stay-at-home mom with a second child, however, things have changed. He seems to think that since I have another baby I should give up some time with Sister. That somehow I have an unfair allotment of kid-time and he should have more, though of course Bean is not his child. It's driving me nuts. Ladies, this man is a freak! May I list the ways in which he sucks? Thank you, I believe I will. And I bet that mommygoth will back me up here.

  • He used to take Sister to bars when she was 2-years old.
  • He has epileptic seizures but has always denied that this was an issue in his caring for Sister. She was 3-months old when he was wearing her in her front pack one day, had a seizure, and dropped her on the sidewalk next to a busy street.
  • The man NEVER says please when making requests for extra time. He says merely, "I need to pick her up early on such and such a day."
  • People in town--and not just my good friends--STILL tell me how he has no clue where Sister is or what she's doing when she's with him. She is permitted to get out of her seat at restaurants and go chat up the other tables while he's talking to his buddies, as an example. And Sister is 7, not 2 when it might be cute for a couple of minutes.
  • This is a man who has taught my daughter to announce loudly to people like my mother that she doesn't believe in God. Okay, I don't go to church either, but there's something sad about turning a child into an atheist and a cynic at age 4.
  • My Ex isn't even the one who cares for Sister when she's with him. He simply isn't able to take care of practical details like dinner or bedtime. Instead, he goes to his parents' house when he's with her. His mother brushes her teeth, cooks dinner, packs her lunch, helps her with her homework, puts her to bed, gets her ready in the mornings, EVERYTHING. I mean, why does he want extra time with Sister when he can't even make it out bed before 10:00?!
  • This man is almost 40 now and is STILL unemployed. His parents support him, and Sister when she's with him.
Alright, I think I am cleansed. I believe that Phantom Scribbler sponsors a weekly bitch-fest for those who need it. Maybe I should think about a weekly Ex bashing for mamas in similar situations...


cubmommy said...

I am so sorry that really sucks. Do you like his parents? If you do at least she gets to spend time with them. If not, I am so sorry.

How can someone be 40 and still has no clue?

Mommygoth said...

Gee, I bet I could add some to that list of crackheadedness, after having watched said ex be a fucktard for as long as he's been in your life (plus a few years previous). And having been one of the ones who caught him taking her to a bar at 11 PM at night, I can certainly vouch for his complete lack of a clue. I'm sorry, SugarMama - unbelievably frustrating, I know. I know I've offered to shoot him a couple of times, but would it be more practical if I pretended to be an alien from another planet starting a commune in Wyoming and enticed him to move there?

Sugarmama said...

You know, that would probably actually work, mommygoth! No, really!
And cubmommy, his parents are o.k., I guess. I've sort of made my peace with them in that I don't actually like them, but I do know that they adore my daughter and they take care of her well. It's hard to get too bent out of shape about that, even though I do get jealous as hell sometimes.

Laura said...

Oooh, now that would be tempting . . . but I find that bashing him just makes me feel worse. Ignoring his existence makes me feel better. I admit it is hard when I have to share my kiddo with him, but I have learned to sort of turn off that part of mommyhood when he is gone, or I can't stand it. Sounds like you have it worse, though, and I empathize, boy, do I know how you feel.

Sugarmama said...

Laura, you're a better woman than me, I think. I don't know if I have it any worse than you do or anyone else does. One way or another if you've got kids by an ex it's just hard. I even feel like we had a pretty amicable divorce without ever entering a courtroom, but still. Maybe once she's become an adult it'll be better...