Thursday, January 25, 2007

Yes, she REALLY says stuff like this.

I just had the best time with a very good friend of mine, Annie, who's 20 years older than me, the owner of a vintage thrift shop in town, a native of the Tennessee mountains, and a believer in all things conspiracy. I love, love, love talking to this woman! I've known her since I worked in her store during college about 15 years ago now, but we've been getting together much more often now that I'm staying at home. She told me today that she's decided to "reclaim" her personality after (mostly) getting over a lengthy illness. This means, apparently, that she is going to say whatever she damn well pleases, though personally I don't feel like she ever stopped. Here's a short sampling of our 4-hour conversation today:

Me: (in the middle of venting about the stupid backyard): Yeah, I'm not currently allowed to do anything in the backyard. I'm only allowed to be stuck in the damn house making dinners, changing diapers, and sewing. No planting anything or it's just going to be where the future rain garden is going to be, or where some drain pipes have to be put in or something.
Her: Are you allowed to fuck?
Me: Oh yeah, that too. I'm allowed to do that.
Her: And suck dick, I bet.
Me: Yep. Still allowed.

Other topics included her frequent colonics, how much both Jews and Christians suck and how she also went to a Buddhist wedding recently where they served giant platters of roast beef and so they clearly sucked too, the imminent death of the oceans, the frequency with which she has to throw drunk Mexican guys out of her store, how much she loves Nigella Lawson, her new friend who used to be a dominatrix but who is now a creative writing teacher, her method of chasing solicitors, hunters, and other strangers off her property (with a megaphone and an antique sawed-off shotgun that used to belong to her grandfather), and how the world's biggest statue of a pinecone was located in the Vatican and this was a part of some reptilian conspiracy which I only dimly grasped but in which both JFK and Princess Diana were named as human sacrifices.

Phew! It was some afternoon! But I sure do love this particular friend of mine, equal-opportunity offensiveness and all.

8 comments:

SugarMama said...

Hi...I was just surfing around and I just ha to read since you are another sugarmama around. Aparently there are a couple of us in the blogland...hehe

Your friend Annie is hilarious. I would have loved to listen to her talk just so my days would go even faster...hehe

Beth said...

She is a hoot! We should all have a friend like her in our lives!

Nikkie said...

She sounds like a lot of fun to hang around with!

Joan said...

Sounds like my older friend. She tells it like it is with a lot of humor thrown in.

Belle said...

Hahahah, she sounds like a fascinating woman indeed!

Lauren said...

So you've showed her how to start a blog, right?

Nancy said...

She does sound like she's a riot. And following on Lauren's comment -- if she ever does start a blog, hope you let us know. Sounds like hers might be a fun one to read!

Suburban Gorgon said...

LOL. I love her too. She rocks.